my drug, my drug
drugdrugdrug
i didn't quite understand this,
but then as i tried to come up with reasons for lovers not to be identified as drugs,
i found i proved myself wrong
drugdrugdrug
because,
i'm addicted to you
and i'm left wanting more, more and more
to a point i might say,
i can't live without you
i refuse to say i'm addicted,
i don't wanna be so dependent on something
(or someone)
because,
a little bit of you sends me on a high,
but temporarily
just temporarily
that temporary high can leave you feeling so cold
so alone
afterwards
but when you're on that high
it all seems so worth it
oh so worth it
it can be so painful though,
the side-effects that come with
you wake up with nightmares,
if not,
sweet dreams centre around you, it,
this feeling,
this drug,
my drug
cold turkey is so painful
you don't think you can make it
but you do
but then, it become nothing when you're faced again
once more,
you're hooked
oh, so hooked
on this feeling,
this drug,
my drug,
you some people want to be addicted,
they want to keep on being hooked
some don't but they can't help it
you see,
it, this feeling, this drug,
you
you're so wonderful
that when i'm at my worst,
when feelings are all screwed and messed up
and i just want to quit,
those feelings and thoughts completely dissolve
when i see your smile
another taste of you,
this feeling,
my drug
it's not all bad,
it's not supposed to be
because that high,
oh just that temporary high
is all it takes
for me to be addicted again
oh so so addicted
you're so good it hurts really, it is
you send me into fits of ecstacy,
i'm walking on clouds,
it feels like a dream
a dream, a dream, a dream
good feeling is gone,
too soon, too soon, too soon
and i'm left wanting more
more, more and more
i'm curled up,
crying
so addicted but i don't want to admit
i don't want to be addicted but i want to be too
tell me,
because i don't understand
i don't understand,
i don't understand
i'll never get over you
bleeding heart
there she lay,
unmoving
still and quiet,
her chest was
heaving
her breath in gasps,
life she was
losing
her eyes closed tight,
warm tears still
flowing
her wrist ached
and she felt her tummy
churning
the pills inside her slowly
dissolving
mixing together,
her body was
reacting
she felt so tired,
this world she was now
leaving
nothing hurt more
than her heart
which was
bleeding
the breaking of my heart
"i love you" i said
my heart ached, my chest heaved
everything inside felt so painful
i felt,
i could literally, feel my heart tear itself.
over and over again
with each move i made or even each word i managed to say,
it seemed my heart gave a deeper rip
Oh God, it was so painful
i felt those familiar warm tears prick the corner of my eye
and slide down my cheek,
onto my pillow
i placed my hand over my heart.
stabbing my heart with a knife and twisting it would be so much less painful than this
i cannot describe such pain to you
it is more than the tearing of paper,
oh it is far more
it is like, in a small way,
the ripping of cloth
Difficult, as the threads hold on to each other and more painful with each hard tug
it is like the tearing of a piece of meat
slow,deliberate, painful
the pain leaves you choking,
suddenly you can't breathe, you don't want to.
it's so painful, but yet you have to
oh yes, the brutal ripping
the dark bruising
the horrible deep aching which is felt deep within and not seen
The breaking of my heart
Naked, i stand
Naked, i stand
i stand in front of you
Naked, i am
i've lost the attitude
Naked, i stand
what more do you want?
Naked, i stand
alone in the dark
Naked, i stand
i've only asked your love
Naked, i gave
i gave myself to you
Naked, i am
clothed with nothing but shame
Naked, i stand
and watch you walk away
Naked, i stand
as i hold the blade in my hand
Naked, i feel
as your words become unreal
Naked, i fall
i can stand no more
Naked, i am
as i curl up on the floor
Naked, i was
i was in front of you
Naked, i'm not
for i start to hide the truth
Naked, i am
beneath the layers of lies
Naked, i feel
in front of your eyes
Naked, i stand
unafraid to be my own
Naked, i know
I've slowly started to grow
Naked, i walk
i walk away from you
Naked, i stand
i stand in the cold harsh truth
naked, i stand
i stand in the cold harsh truth
Naked, she stood
Naked, she stood
As people brushed past her
Naked, she felt
As people stared in annoyance
"Pathetic" she heard,
but the voice she couldn't place
Naked, she stood
as the mask fell from her face
Naked, she walked
down the familiar hall
Naked, she felt
As the whole cafeteria saw her trip and fall
"Loser", a scoff
but from where, she couldn't tell
Naked, she stood
as she shivered, alone
Naked, she stood
she stood all alone
Naked, she cried
she looked so forlorn
Naked, she was
but she didn't wear a mask
Naked, she stood
weird and outcast
Naked, she stood
but still she stood strong
Naked, she stood
she'd done nothing wrong
Naked, she was
although all alone
Naked, she stood
Naked, but unwrong
facade
don't judge,
and don't assume people are putting on fake fronts,
pretending to be something they're not
like i said,
this isn't a masquerade
but people still wear masks
maybe you're the one wearing a mask and it's become such a part of you that you think those without masks, those real people are the ones putting on a fake front.
masquerade
The page is blank,
she has to write
but what, and why?
who, and how?
It's senior year,
she has to change
it's her last chance
to play in the game
& so she laughed louder,
swore a bit more
she would not longer be
that quiet girl next door
she knew the secret
to get herself in
everyone wanted to,
it wasn't a sin
"must make our faces
vizards to our hearts"
it seemed just so simple
she'd play this game smart
but the poor girl was wrong
it wasn't like that
that so wasn't cool
just desperate, and sad
she had a false front
it was just a facade
no one would come
to her little masquerade
She cried at night,
she didn't know how
she wanted popularity,
but look at her now
she hated herself
but she didn't know why
she fell against the summer breeze
as she took her own life
sadly, she was remembered
as the Suicide Girl
her name was forgotten
as was her fake little world.
zilch
i'm doodling now,
my attention's gone
i can't pay attention
my brain is so worn
i'm growing tired,
i need a break
but the more you're present
the more you dedicate
the tests are nearly over,
i'm finishing my race
the holidays are so close
but still i'll have to wait
i can almost smell my freedom
though school isn't all that bad
i'm just growing weary
school's not as easy as that
there's something inside me
i'll soon have to let out
my inner monster's desperate for freedom
she wants to scream and shout
my head is starting to spin
the air is close and still
the warmth is suffocating me
and in my mind, there's really just
zilch
about: alastair, yes again
suddenly time seems to pass so slow
when i find out
tonight i'll be alone
suddenly everything's going wrong
nothing that's left
to look forward to
sunniest skies
have turned cold and grey
all because i
won't see you today
ohoh
the skies change their
colour for you
you make the birds
sing a different tune
you calm the whiniest
child down
you make me smile
when i've got a frown
does love make you blind?
okay now we're up to date!
i wrote this recently so..yea(: i'd give you my world,
though you'd never ask
i gave you my soul
i knew that we would last
but though i know
you love me so
i wonder how much
i do mean to you
baby i love you
i'll never leave
this feeling is so true
it's hard to believe
i never knew something
could feel so right
i wonder if love does
make you blind
(does it make you blind?)
i'd give you my love
more than you would need
you're more than enough
with you i am complete
and though i feel
your love is real
i can't help but wonder
if we'll make it through
baby i love you
i'll never leave
this feeling is so true
it's hard to believe
i never knew something
could feel so right
i wonder if love does
make you blind
oh
but i don't care
about these words,
really
i need to know
my world is ours,
baby
just tell me now
& i'll belive you
honey
cos
baby i love you
i'll never leave
this feeling is so true
it's hard to believe
i never knew something
could feel so right
i wonder if love does
make you blind
cos i'll keep on loving you
i love you,
i love you more than you can ever imagine
and i always will
i do stuff sometimes,
all in the name of venting or destressing,
stuff that might hurt you
and make you think that you don't matter at all to me
stuff that might make you feel this relationship doesn't mean anything
but it's not true,
really it's not.
leave,
if you'll be happier
but still,
i'll keep on loving you
sweet as bile
just another word, just another smile
just another feeling, more bitter than bile
someone please tell me what's going on.
all i want, all i ever wanted was something simple and sweet.
i never needed the complications
i never fucking wanted the bloody fucking tears
i thought you were here to take them away
i thought
you're haunting me
at night i still see a blurred image of your face
i feel your hands and your fingers all over me
you're haunting me
you're haunting me
you're haunting me
friday the 13th
i still remember you
because i don't know what to do
you make me love you so much
sometimes i don't know what to do
i don't know how to feel
or what to say
and i hate it when i feel this way.
i'm lost baby,
i'm so tired and so lost
i'm missing you, but i'm pretty alone
slippingslipping-
don't be too nice to me my darling,
i might love you a little too much.
and i don't know if i could.
not because my heart cannot love,
but because i'm not sure if i actually can at all.
perhaps it's because my eyes can't cry anymore
before a goodbye
and just when it's so bad that the only solution is a goodbye,
you turn up.
and your kiss changes my mind
vicious vicious cycle
i don't talk about mummy all that much now,
we're so so distant
so far away
suddenly janice is more important.
sigh
it's a catch 22 really,
that's what i realized as i was talking to calista this evening.
i centre my life around someone else,
i really don't mean to make my family feel left out,
or put them in second place.
but because i do that,
have my world wrapped around someone else,
my family feels left out.
janice and mummy grow closer
and suddenly,
i'm the one who's left out.
inside i know that i've always been happy,
proud almost,
that i'm closer to mummy than janice is
than she ever will be.
but suddenly,
it's like janice has replaced me.
she's taken over that special seat on mummy's right hand side
(or left because that's her good ear's side).
when we go out,
they walk in front while i trail on behind,
quiet most of the times
which is actually really different for someone like me
and because i'm all alone,
at the back most times,
i whip out my phone and start texting so i don't feel so alone.
then mummy turns around wanting to talk to me,
but she sees me apparently busy with my phone,
so she either gives up talking to me or gets mad that i'm always texting.
then i get more upset that she doesn't seem to understand and we both grow further and further apart.
it's a vicious cycle.
fooling with death
fooling with death, just fooling with deathshe walked along the edge of the pavement,
the wind rushing through her hair,
she could almost pretend she had a life.
living in her perfect world imaginations where she was a brilliant horse-back rider where the wind whipped her hair out of place,
or the most popular girl in school where she was driving a convertable and she was so used to the wind blowing her hair out of place.
"stupid wind" she'd be muttering to herself in her daydream except in real life,
she loved it, she loved the wind like this.
she looked up at the clear blue sky, the formless clouds.
oh how she wished she could fly away and join them.
"May i Lord?" she had asked so many times.
was it suicide to ask to float among the clouds,
to be taken out of her world so far from her perfect daydreams,
was it suicide?
was it wrong?
she'd always had a thing for hospitals,
loved them and wondered what it'd be like to be a patient.
but few people knew that.
she had this secret thing about car crashes too.
no one, besides the odd one or two knew that either.
less people really knew her nowadays
stopping to take in a deep breath,
she looked around her.
scuffing her shoe in the sand, she looked up at the sky,
then back at the road.
"when," she wondered to herself,
"when would the perfect car being driven at the perfect speed come?"
"when would it come,"
she asked aloud
"to take away my pain?"
sighing,
she said to herself,
"never. things never was what she wanted. not most of the time anyway."
giving up,
she continued walking the route back home.
then she tripped where bits of the sidewalk's edge had chipped off
she felt herself falling
the sun she found herself looking at seemed to blind her and she couldn't see anything else
she heard car tires screech
she felt her eyes closing,
it was like she was really tired and could barely keep her eyes open.
she let them close as she felt her own blood, still warm,
all around her, slipping under her fingers even.
with her index finger she wrote one word on the dry hard ground of the road.
she hoped that word would be able to tell the world,
or the people in her world,
everything she couldn't really say.
sorry
and this time,
it was for real
there's no more us
are you here,
looks like you've disappeared
again
am i dead,
i cannot hear my breath,
who cares
where is the love
that i
thought i had found
where is the guy
i used to
put my arms around
there's no more us
there's no more we
there's only love
and what we have
and you and me
there's no more time,
it's slippin' fast
there's only what we had
and what will come to pass
there's no more us
if only just a bit
what if i am still in love with you?
what if i am too in love with you right now,
too much in love that i cannot take it.
because i want to,
i am trying to,
but i can't,
i simply can't,
let go.
and i know i have to,
little by little,
if only just a bit.
when two collide
i don't understand you
don't understand him
i don't understand it,
don't understand this
what is this anyway?
someone,
anyone care to explain?
i'm trying to figure it out myself
and the strange uneasiness i get just thinking about it all.
what is it anyway?
does it refer to anything in particular?
i don't know.
i cannot know,
just like i can never fully understand you because as you pointed out,
no one understands you.
and maybe,
just maybe,
i don't want to know anymore,
i don't want to understand.
i don't want to figure it out.
i don't want and
i don't wanna need to understand you
or him
or this
or it
or anything at all.
it was my feelings though even i couldn't make sense of it at all
you misinterpreted it.
and you know what?
you're off.
you're so off track that it hurts.
alastair honey,
you're way off about what i think or
even feel
and that hurt the most
when two collide
once in a while
are you there baby,
are you really there?
sometimes you are,
but sometimes you're not
and i don't want you not to be there.
it gets cold
and teary
will you stay with me,
if only for awhile?
just once in a while, when it gets cold and teary
alone in school
to know how i feel,
imagine walking down your highschool hallway,
and you see all these really sweet couples,
leaning against lockers talking,
holding hands and walking,
or girlfriends gossiping
and jocks jerking around as always.
and you're alone as you walk down the hallway.
yes,
all alone.
and you know your own special someone's out there,
but that special someone isn't there,
right there with you,
isn't holding your hand,
and doesn't have an arm around you.
yeap.
that's how it feels.
pastpastpast
i pretend it doesn't matter,
when each time i make an excuse for myself to check my cell phone,
there's nothing there.
absolutely nothing
i wrote the words i love alastair in the sand.
maybe by tomorrow, the wind would've blown it away
love like there's no tomorrow
i wrote this when alastair went on a week's holiday to aussie and i missed him so terribly. actually, reading this again and reposting it up here made me realize just how much i love alastair and how i'd be so terribly upset if he left. if he left me or the country or whateveri'll always remember the last hug he gave me,
the last time i buried myself in his t-shirt,
wanting to memorize his smell.
i'll remember the last kiss he gave me,
and how i ran my fingers over his lips.
i'll remember the last cuddle we had,
cuddling as much as we could cos somehow we both knew we wouldn't be able to cuddle for a while.
i'll remember the last time he made me smile,
and the last time i made him smile:)
i'll remember the last time he asked me what's wrong,
the last time he told me never to leave,
and the last time he told me he loved me.
i'll remember the last time i went out with him alone,
i'll remember the movie,
i'll remember how he made me promise not to snap my gum in the train.
i'll remember how we held hands and how he'd walk with his arm around my shoulder so i knew he was always there,
right beside me.
i'll remember the last time i left the country,
i'll remember how much i missed him and how i cried myself to sleep.
i'll remember the last time he stayed over,
how we'd both go down to get his silly kaya bread,
how we bought chocolate milk,
and how we played tai tee during breakfast.
i'll remember the last time he left little notes all over my room for me to find,
and i'll remember the last letter i gave him.
i'll remember the last time he reached for the tissue box cos he had a runny nose,
and i'll remember the last time i squished his face and made him say fish.
i'll remember the way i kept making him repeat HONNEH BUNNEH.
i'll remember the last time we sang our song together,
the last time we played pepsi-cola.
i'll remember the last time he hugged me from behind and kissed my head.
i'll remember the last time i fell asleep in his arms,
and the last time he sang me to sleep.
i'll remember the last time he ran his finger down my nose.
i'll remember the last time i traced his eyes,his nose, his mouth with my fingers.
i'll remember the last time his cheek rested against my palm.
i'll remember the last time we took neoprints,
and i'll remember the last time we took pictures with his phone.
i'll remember how much i loved him then
and how much i still do love him.
i'll remember him the way he was the last time we met(:
and when he comes back,
i'll hug him tight,
i won't want to ever let go.
i'll kiss him like i needed air,
i'll bury myself in his clothes and lose myself in his familiar smell.
i'll curl up on the sofa with him again,
i'll snap my gum in the train just to irritate him
i'll make him say honneh bunneh over and over again,
i'll run my fingers through his hair,
i'll cuddle him again and again,
i'll watch him fall asleep and hear his cute little snores,
i'll hear him sleep talk again
and laugh at him and with him(:
and i'll love like there's no tomorrow
slipping
let me slip into nothingness now
it was you who'd make me close my eyes,
and make everything around disappear
so tell me how i can do that now
cos when i close my eyes,
all i see is you,
i breathe and smell you
and i realize how alone i am
and i realize that everyone else has their own life,
and they're all living it
i'm not in anyone's life
and everyone in mine is slipping away
one way mirror
expliques s'il vous plait?
it happened in slow motion,
i swear i could almost see it
almost
i swear i saw it coming
one minute it was all okay,
and the next
that familiar click,
i held the phone away from my ear before i could hear the line gone dead,
before i could hear it and feel that familiar shiver up my spine,
before i realize and feel the familiar warm tears
i didn't know what to think,
what to feel
i'm frustrated in a way
i don't understand,
i don't understand at all.
and i half wonder if i really want to.
it's like a one way mirror i'm standing at,
and i see you on the other side.
i place my hand on the same place your hand is at,
with only the glass in between us.
i see you on the other side
i know you're there
but you can't be sure i'm on the other side of the glass you're looking at
because all you can see,
is your own reflection
you think i'm on the other side,
and i am
but you don't know if i'll be there long
you don't know that i'm standing there and that i won't walk away,
not now,
not anytime soon,
not ever.
i see you on the other side,
and i see you trying to look through the reflective glass,
i see you trying to see if i'm there
and i am
but you don't know that,
you can't be sure
you keep thinking i'm going to walk away,
walk away and leave you standing
but i won't
i'm there
though you can't see me
though all you see right now is your own reflection.
i'm still there
an empty space
i can't answer you, cos i don't know the answers myself.
i cry, but i can't tell you why.
i can't not because i don't want to but because i don't know why either.
trust me on that
alastair,but my depression
i lay on my bed,
the one in which i'd slept not too long ago,
and the first tear left my eye.
i closed my eyes
and i thought,
how can someone do that to themselves knowing how much it hurts someone who loves them so much?
i didnt want to be on my bed at that point, so i climbed out,
and i sat there
the wind,
the knowledge of how you might fall out the window,
provided a comforting corner for me to sit and cry and think
i don't want anyone changing for me.
i stand firm on that
but why do you degrade yourself so?
how come most of our conversations end up on not too light a note?
i don't regret anything,
nothing at all.
but i do ask myself
how i'm gonna live the rest of my ife putting up with this.
then inevitably,
i wonder how i'd live without this,
without him.
and there i sat,
if only you'd called,
it might'nt be so bad
friends and love
you watch them fall in love
you watch them fall out of love
you hear them cry
and they don't know how it tears you up inside
you watch them flirt
you hear them laugh
and you wonder if this phase'll last
something new
once again, not a poem. but under a similar catorgory which is...
i don't know what really"she's crying!"
"what" came the response as slow understanding dawned on her
"she's crying"
wordlessly she sped down the steps,
questions unanswered.
this took priority, she was crying.
and that was all that mattered.
"where is she?"
she demanded into the faceless throngs of students brushing past her.
"where!"
her hands grasped her cell phone and she searched in dispair.
"there!"
someone else pointed,
"she's there"
"what's wrong?"
she asks her,
pushing past everyone else
shaking her head she turns away from her
holding on to her wrist she pulls her closer
"are you ok?"
we walk away,
minutes later there are other people in the picture too.
she walks away sullenly with us
"is she ok?"i ask
she shruggs,
"someone else seems able to cheer her up"
i hear the hurt in her voice,
the defeat.
seating ourselves,
she refuses to eat,
again.
her shoulders sink and as i walk away,
i notice she's shrunk quite a bit in size.
her uniform hangs off her shoulders
her eyes so lost
she looked so forlorn
forlorn was the word,
yes, forlorn.
helpless,
dejected,
she sat there and i wanted to reach out and give her a hug.
how it must feel,
i wonder,
to want to help
but someone else seems to do it better
i could feel her losing hold of control
the only control she had now was of herself.
thing seemed to slowly slip away from her,
and this is all from what i see
though she might or might not really feel it.
she walked away
she couldn't take one more day,
home was more a prison now
independence called out
she had to get it
a fight was all she needed
to give her reason
she slammed the door with no goodbye
and moved out, it was time
now she's drivin too fast
she didn't care to glance behind
through her tears she laughed,
it's time to kiss the past goodbye
i'm finally on my own
don't try to tell me no
there's so much for me
just watch what i will be
she walked away,
couldn't say why she was leaving
she walked away,
she left all she had believed inshe sat on the roof,
on the top level of HDB flats.
she shivered in the evening breeze
she'd told her mom she wouldnt be home any time soon
if her mom knew where she was right now,
she laughed quietly
looking down below,
she asked herself what her reason for living was.
she found herself unable to respond to that
she asked herself what her reason for taking her life was
and realized that it was because her life no longer held meaning.
now or never,
she thought,closing her eyes and taking a deep breath
she'd always wanted to fly anyway,
but she guessed it'd just be falling with style
she felt the wind rushing against her,
felt like the air was pushing her back
she didn't dare to open her eyes as her body fell
because she didnt wanna see the ground rushing towards her,
she didn't wanna see the last time she'd fail,
fail to fly in this case.
and just in case,
she didn't wanna see the ground and realize she might have made a mistake.
okay so this isn't exactly a poem. but i thought it somehow fit into this catorgory
eh, fuck grades
don't cry now girl,
they're only grades
don't cry now girl,
this is what you gotta pay
there ain't no reason to shed your tears
even though they're all comin true,
all them fears
it's pointless now,
ain't nothin you can do
guess the best thing,
is to just stock up on booze
won't help nothin'
you just sittin' there cryin'
so don't
ain't no one cares bout you or your shit
so why the fuck should you?
so close i could cry
i couldn't wait to hold you in my arms
i couldn't wait to know you're not so far
i couldn't wait to tell you that i love you so much
i couldn't wait to get that precious chance
i couldn't wait to hug you so tight
i couldn't wait to hear you tell me everything's alright
i couldn't wait,
i was so close i could cry
You Lord, You You You
(chorus)
You Lord.
You You You
You're there for me
You Lord
You You You
You've helped me see
You're there for me when i need you Lord
You shelter me
and Your word's my sword
You keep me safe
You keep me warm
To You i know that i belong(chorus)
My source of comfort when i'm down
i know You'll always be around
You hug me when i need You most
without You Lord i'd just be lost
i know i can depend on You
i know Your promises are true
You're my daddy, Lord
and my best friend
i know Your love will never end(chorus)
when i am broken,
when i am hurt
i find my solace in Your church
You help me Lord to find my way
with You i Know it's all okay(:
(chorus)
post wonderful date<3
everytime i see your smile,
my heart skips a beat
call out my name baby,
i'll jump to my feet.
to you i'll run,
to you'll cry
it's like this thing we have,
the reasons i don't know why.
my source of comfort,
my source of strength
i swear darling,
you're nothing less than heaven sent
you keep me living, breathing
hoping, seeing
you fill up my very being
It's crazy, these words
of them i never thought i'd ever dare to think
but then you came,
and in your deep love i sink
caught by your smile
and held by your eyes,
anyone can tell you're different from other guys
i never thought i'd say this,
girls like this i once scorned
but for you i'd do anything,
something which for me,
is not quite the norm.
alone in a crowd
alone in a crowdno one listens
no one hears
i talk
but no one's really here.
sometimes all you need is someone to listen you know?
sometimes all you want is someone to pretend they're paying attention.
but then,
sometimes all you get is
well,
nothing.
cos you're speaking but no one's really listening.
everyone wants to be listened to,
everyone wants to be heard
someone doesn't always have to lose out you know,
someone doesn't always have to give
thinking about it,
how'd you survive,
no one to hear you out,
how'd you live?
i'm talking,
but no one's listening.
i'm speaking
but no one hears anything.
everyone's here,
but i'm alone.
the silence rings loud
no one can hear my shouts.
i'm screaming but the buzz of life drowns me out
Father, help
Dear Father,
it's your daughter speaking here.
she's lost Father,
she doesn't know what to do.
she's in despair Father,
and she feels ever so alone.
how can something she loves so much be so hard Father?
and how can the world turn its back on her when she's the most alone?
but i Thank You Father,
for mummy,
the only person who was there.
Father,
help.
i'm tired and i don't know what to do.
i'm lost Father,
and i don't know where to go.
help Father,
help.
dear Lord
dear Lord,
i don't do this very often.
but thank You.
i realized how very blessed i am
to have a family,
a mummy and a daddy
a baby sister,
and someone who loves me very much.
Dear Lord,
thank You for being there even when my earthly dad wasn't
thank You for blessing me with so much more than i could ever ask for.
thank You for loving me.
thank You for pulling me through depression,
for being there when i needed someone.
thank You for giving me opportunities to do the few things i love doing so very much.
thank You Father,
for noticing.
alastair again
it's special,
this nice warm feeling.
when you look at me the way you do,
say the right things which i know are true.
i wanna stay in your arms forever,
hold me tight baby,
promise you won't let me go. ever.
---------------
---------------
if only you knew,
how much i love you.
how much i want nothing more
than to be there for you.
but baby,
you're shutting me out.
when all i want is to hold you close to me,
ever so tight.
if only you'd let me
if only
alastair. duh
about: alastair i love looking into your eyes,
baby i can see right through you to your heart.
and everytime
i swear we connect.
and i want nothing more
than to lose myself in your arms.
i know you're there for me.
and all i want is to be there for you too.
____ from way back then
sometimes i can only be there for you if you let me.
i can only hug and hold you if you don't push me away.
i'll stay by your side baby,
promise i'll catch you when you fall.
but there's a part of you that only you can reach out to.
a part you keep under lock and key,
ever so far away from me.
depression, get thee away from me
eff you depression .
keep away .
don't try to ruin my life,
i aint gonna let you stay.
quit startin these tears .
don't rake up the past .
get the eff away from me
it aint that hard a task .
what is love?
what is love?
and why do we fall in love?
why do we keep falling in love even after we've been hurt?
some kinda see love as a drug .
it just numbs everything else .
makes you fly but leaves you crashing harder than before .
to the person i never knew
this was written for a friend of a friend's sister's.
who took her life at 21, much too young an agei'm sitting here,
tears streaking my powdered face
it's all a mask
something to hide it all,
but you don't know me
you don't even see
i've lost the person i used to be,
somewhere inside,
she's still alive
but in this life i'm living,
she's not good enough
i'm not good enough
i'll never be
-to the person i never knew .
oldies kinda love
i think vicky would like this, considering one of her recent posts.Grandma Grandpa look so sweet,
Sitting drinking coffee
I wanna have what they got there
Love stronger than a tree
They’ve lasted strong for all these years,
Through the good times, and the bad
Way back from when Grandma was a pretty young girl,
And Grandpa, a handsome lad
Will we make it baby?
Last as long as they have too?
Will we make it baby,
And find, after all the hurt and pain, that we have pulled through?
Even with hours without you, times so very tough,
Will we make it baby,
And have an oldies kinda love
Nowadays divorce paper’s signed
Before ink on the Marriage Cert is dry
It’s like the love has changed,
Divorce a common place
But look at all the Gramps around,
Smiling in the face of all this going wrong
In the midst of lost love and tears,
It is them who have their love going strong
Will we make it baby?
Last as long as they have too?
Will we make it baby,
And find, after all the hurt and pain, that we have pulled through?
Even with hours without you, times so very tough,
Will we make it baby,
And have an oldies kinda love
You Lord, You / Don't
these two poems are actually published on devo' zine's electropoetry page.
you'll find it under my links if you're interested. quite a lot of realy good poems there You Lord, YouThere are so many things
I wish I could escape
So many things I wish could pretend aren’t here
So many things,
and yet there's more.
Sometimes prayin' doesn't seem to help,
Sometimes cuttin' seems a better way out
With so many things--
Emotions, confusions
One thing holds me back from dying:
You Lord, You
Lord I pray you'll take away this pain,
Take away this anger deep inside
'Cause with You Lord
I don't know what I’d do
And with so many things,
I don't really wanna fight.
Sometimes prayin' doesn't seem to help,
Sometimes cuttin' seems a better way out
With so many things--
emotions, confusions
one thing holds me back from dying:
You Lord, You
I need Your help ,Oh, Lord
Please tell me what to do
These emotions overwhelm me
So I'm lifting them up to You
Don'tDon't live your life regretting
Don't give up now and look back
Don't ever look back and wonder why
Don't ever look back and want to cry
Don't live in the present realizing your folly
so that you'll look back and only see your own stupidity.
Don't live your life regretting
Don't give up now and look back
Don't ever look back and wonder why
Don't ever look back and want to cry
Put yourself in their shoes.
Feel the feelings that they probably do,
Then maybe you'll see their point of view,
Then maybe you'll understand
Then maybe you'll see them for them.
Don't live your life regretting.
Don't give up now and look back.
Don't ever look back and wonder why.
Don't ever look back and want to cry.
Through the Rain
i wrote this last year,
and i pretty much forgot about it until i was looking through old junk.
then i looked at it again and it's become another favourite of mine Through the Rain
As the rain fell against the window pane,
Splashing off the concrete pavement,
I lifted my eyes to the darkened sky
It demanded my attention from the teacher droning on,
It captured and held my senses
The sun was no longer visible,
Hidden behind grey clouds
My life felt so much like that,
The light in my world, simply gone
Making me feel like I could no longer go on
The final bell pulled me out of my trance
Unable to resist the urge, I went outside
And as the cool rain met my skin,
I was overwhelmed by a strong sense of freedom
Emancipation
Looking up with the slightest difficulty,
I saw the light orange rays of sun
Peek out from under its heavy grey blanket
And behold! Oh the beauty!
For a rainbow of only every colour appears proudly,
The love and the promise
And I know, from the depth of my very soul,
That I can make it through the rain.
where do i go from here?
i used ta turn to youu wen i was low
used to turn to youu when i was alone,
i used to cry at night to youu,
and you'd be there to take away my blues.
(pre-chorus)
but now that you've gone,
now that you've left me.
how can i go on..
without you i feel so empty
[chorus]
where do i go from here?
who will stay to wipe away my tears?
who will sit with me at night,
hold me tight and kiss away my fears...
i used to sit all by myself at home.
cry all day until your voice came on the telephone.
you promised we would last forever,
but now you're saying we'll never work together
(pre-chorus,chorusx2)
as you can tell from the way it's typed out with the shortforms and complete and utter lianishness,
this was a looon loong time ago
is it crazy?
it's a song i wrote some time ago.
one of my favourites i must admitis it crazy for me to think that i'm in love?
is it crazy for me to tremble at your touch?
is it crazy for me to want you late at night?
is it crazy for me to pray you to my side?
is it crazy?
is it crazy?
is it crazy for me to feel the way i do?
is it crazy to have fallen in love with you?
is it crazy
for me to smile to laugh to jump around
is it crazy?
is it crazy?
if it is baby,
lock me up throw away the key
if loving you is bad
kill me now
just don't leave me sad
if wanting you is wrong
if it's crazy to sing this song
then i'm crazy
guess i'm crazy
is it crazy for me to lose myself in your smell?
is it crazy for me to whisper your name to myself?
is it crazy for me to cry when i am missing you?
is it crazy?
is it crazy?
is it crazy for me to love you like i always will?
is it crazy for me to say your name and feel a thrill?
is it crazy for me to love you like i do?
is it crazy for me to know these very words are true?
is it crazy?
is it crazy?
demons in my head
this is one of my favouritest poems,
i wrote it while i was on my downward spiral into depression i think.
you make me wanna scream
you make me wanna shout
you make me wanna give in and cry out
you make me fall
you make me hurt
you make me tear myself apart.
you make me fail,
give it all up
only to look back
knowing i'm stuck
you make me cry
you make me fear
you make me wish i wasn't here
you make me small
yet sometimes big
and i realize
i'm not as big as i want myself to think
you make me spill my life out open
you make me weak
and leave me choking
you leave me to grasp
yet just out of reach
if it wasn't for you
there would be more for me to see
you dragged me down,
you ruined my life
you brought an only friend,
that harsh steel knife
you're all around me
just go away
why are you in the mirror
when i face it everyday?
you're in my head,
you make me cry
you're a part of me
i want to die
you're in my mind,
you're always there
just leave me alone like you always have
fuck off, you demons in my head
you wrap me tight,
a cold embrace
i run away,
because i cannot face
why don't you die and leave,
i imagine crying tears of relief
but yet i know i cannot escape
you're deep in me
i can't run away
you're in my mind,
you're always there
just leave me along like you always have
fuck the hell off,
you demons in my head
what is it
something's going on .
except i honestly don't know what .
i wanna scream and cry ,
curl up in a corner and die .
i wanna cut so deep ,
and yell out why .
because i don't bloody understand though i wish i did .what she said made sense to me,
and i understood it perfectly
like i always somehow seem to.
i thought about my own,
but that was so different now,
after being a love that had grown
it'll never go back to how it once was
and though i'm not sure if i can tell myself,
i actually felt your words
i'm fearful i suppose,
of what i cannot even be sure.
maybe that we've grown out of each other.
and promises we've promised,
won't be broken,
because we won't and can't
but if it comes to that,
it wouldn't be a broken promise
just...
just some mutual thing we came round to eventually
i don't want you to leave,
and i don't wanna leave you.
i want this to carry on,
but not like this
not the way it is now
don't put your happiness on other people,
they'd just foil it somehow
just a starting couple
i've cried til i can no more.
still no one was there to pick me off the floor.
but in the other corner,you sat curled up.
you didnt see me,
but i saw you cry .
guess we're linked in more ways imaginable.
like stupid screwed up plights
-tuesday, May 31st 2005
imagine love
imagine death
imagine livin in a world that he has left .
imagine tears
imagine pain
imagine love that's lasted longer than our years .
imagine life without him by your side
imagine him not there when you cry .
imagine him
imagine you
imagine promising to be forever true .
imagine imagining & dreaming
imagine loving him but not telling
imagine nights
nights all alone
imagine him so far out of your sight .
imagine him not with you
imagine never saying words so few
imagine him
imagine you
& tonight
just tell him
"darling i love you"
these are just old stuff that i'm slowly transferring over.
