The beginning of forever
Posed and prettied, blown kisses left uncaught and frozen in midair.
Sunsets and Sunrises, like the inside of a fish's belly. Streaks of purple and specks of gawdknowswhat.
It's been a while, hasn't it, darling?
It's been a terribly long while.
Do you still remember me or are you shaking hands with someone new,
yet grabbing that extra sweet martini, just like you used to?
lifting half of that heavensent-addictive cookie you've gotten your hands on- to lips, my lips, exactly the way you would've.
Two bodies tangled up;
Your hand is mine and mine is yours.
Your feet, slipped inbetween both of mine so it's not half as cold.
Warm fingers running over bare shoulders and waking up to the bite of morning wind.
Teethchattering, spasm-like shuddering, shoving popsicle feeties into slippers. Gripping each other for as much warmth as possible. Selfishly slipping a cold hand under your tshirt, making you jump.
Bound at the waist and rubbing my nose into one of my favourite parts of you, right under your collarbone.
Fingers laced and awkward, irregular and halting steps down to the seafront.
Snap and whirr of the professional, catching every other onguard and offguard smile, grunt, pout. Unglamorous and beautiful, morning mugs and sleepy eyes.
Send the birds our hellos, and smile feebly at unsmiling neighbours. Feet dragging, shoulder sagging, back to home.
To fall asleep all over again, bury myself in the scent of you and me, pretending that this is just the beginning of forever. Clean sheets and too many pillows, goodnight moments taken for granted. Falling jackets and sighs of contentment, pretending that this is just the beginning of forever.
Pretending,
that this -the moment, the minutes and seconds, ticking clock, replayed music-
is just the beginning of forever.
math tuition
Flipping pages so hard that he might tear them.
Pausing, just long enough for about ten key words to pop out at him, then moves on. It's almost like he was the one sitting for that major paper.
He sighs, sighs again, gripping a page between thumb and forefinger. He is oblivious to his student, staring at him dreamily when he's set her work to do.
She bites her lip. The only math she's doing is calculating the distance between his hand and hers, and of course, the probability of him liking her.
His fingers brush hers as he reaches for a pencil. He barely glances up, but she,
she is electrified.
"Need help?" And she realizes that he's seen her staring.
She clears her throat, mumbles a vauge response that sounds something like "spider". Raising an eyebrow, he brings his chair closer, leans in to explain.
Words like, "Substituting this equation into this" and "thus finding the gradient" spill fluently out of his mouth. On the other hand, she's paying careful attention to his lips, so close that she might run her finger over them.
Wait, but, hasn't she done that before?
"Got it!" She smiles, "Just love Trigonometry!"
Half smile.
"It's co-ordinate geometry."
You, me and I
Hold on for days.
Days and counting.
First thing he says to me, and second
and third
Fall to the ground, clutching the knife driven into your gut. You don't make sense anymore because, nothing does. You're not pulling the knife out, you're pushing it in deeper and deeper. Why shouldn't you anyway? This is your right. There is nothing else that you can do. There is nothing else left for you to do.
Foolish girl, foolish little girl. To think words you've held on tight to will make everything okay. To think that it made you special to him, like he was to you.
Your first thought, his first thought
and then, immediate action
or should i say, reaction.
Cradle the hurt to your chest like a newborn baby. Hold it tight and safe. Warm and painful, hold it tight to you. So tight that soon, there is not difference or space between you and the hurt. You have become the hurt and it, has become part of you. Absorbed and filling every single space in your body.
Cold cold emptiness. You sit, your fingernails tapping at the keyboard, like it was something important. It isn't. It isn't important, this isn't important, nothing is. What should be important is on a separate table, on a separate shelf.
How is it that you can think you feel so much love in a second, just a second and that is enough to last you for what seems like a lifetime. Yet the next moment that vanishes. You're left wondering what you've been holding onto for the past couple of days. Pushing yourself on sheer will and strength. Created by the absence of food because, it gives you power. Power and control over something.
Holding on, holding on.
Have you really been holding on, to nothing?
You think about that last smile, that last hug, that last kiss.
It is enough, you're being greedy. You cannot ask for more.
More! How dare you even think about asking for it! You don't deserve.
He is not yours. He is not yours anymore.
People, they don't belong to people. Of course, i well knew that before. I'm speaking figuratively. Do you know what i mean, what i am trying to say?
Have you tasted the tears that i have?
You, you belong to that ball and chain. You are shackled to your guilt and shame.
Nothing will be the same again, nothing. Why do you even expect it, knowing full well the answer. You can't make everything different, girl.
You built your own prison. Now look out the window and see what you cannot have.
Look.
Look at the man you loved and who loved you.
The fault is yours and no one else's.
Close your eyes girl, close your eyes.
Don't bother because,
There is no one waiting at your bedside. No one's praying, crying, loving you and hating themselves.
Don't,
because no one's waiting for you
to
wake up
One Last Cry
Happily Ever After happens when the prince accepts that Snow White has lived with seven men. Or when the prince spends the entire night dancing with Cinderella, not noticing her calloused hands.
Bella says that line should be something that gets passed on and remembered(:
Anyway,
long story short, there's no such thing as happily ever afters. For some perhaps, like Shawn and Yimin who i met yesterday with their baby boy. They've been dating since JC and hit like, the 8 or 10 year mark before getting married. They're also each other's first boyfriend and girlfriend.
Oh gawd, I can't even count the times we promised each other forever. Promised that, even if it didn't work out now, there'd still be a chance. Chrissy says that two people meet and they grow together, but half way through their paths take different turns. And when that time comes, you just say goodbye and move on.
Just say goodbye and move on.
There's this beautiful song called One Last Cry by Brian Mcknight i think.
Yet it is ironic at the same time because,
we don't have one last cry. Vee does though. She's strong and beautiful and amazing. I don't know how she does it sometimes.
I don't have one last cry. I say i will. I tell myself that I'm gonna say my last goodbye. It never comes.
Six months on I still wake up, reaching for my phone to see if he's texted.
He hasn't. And he won't. He doesn't anymore.
And i get these really sweet morning messages from other people that make me smile, because they really are sweet and they do make my day, but it's not him.
It's not him.
At night I still roll over, inhaling deeply what i believe to still be his smell. I curl up, pretending that he's right beside me.
Yea okay.
I messed up. I gave us that final push off the cliff and into nothingness.
But i have kept to my word since then.
I've been waiting to move on first, before I do. If i ever do.
So.
Now you're done, you're okay. And you like her.
It is talked about so lightheartedly that, you know, even I couldn't tell that i was dying on the inside. If i kept up laughing, i could've kept at it forever.
Do you know what hurts the most?
I wasn't like this. Sure, there was apart of me who was just that little bit needy and clingy, because everyone has that part in them i think.
But i wasn't the sort to promise forever if i thought i couldn't, I wasn't the sort who needed to see my boyfriend or girlfriend every single day. I wasn't so dependant. Never thought in the least, that i needed someone to be able to breathe.
Yet after a while, and two and half years is a while,
all that breaks down. Nothing else matters and anyway, it's all worth it. You'll spend forever with each other.
It kills me now, because I'm not that strong anymore. I let my guard down, and you in.
Few have understood it, but that whole mess i made, it's possible it was my subconscious pushing me, pushing you.
You'll brush these off as excuses of course. Really, I don't blame you.
Well there you have it.
And now, months after still holding on,
I'm told i can go now. Go on, scurry along now, there's someone else to love and,
it isn't you darlin'.
I can't do anything now, can I? It was my fault to begin with. At least, i made that final detrimental move that ended us completely.
What's there left to do, besides pick up the pieces, slap yourself for crying,
and move on
Mist of grey upon tumbling walls
Crosses will fall into the flames, fire will be fought with fire.
Corners will hold tiny burnt bodies, trapped by fallen beams that once held a house together.
No more will there be people.
Its aching cry will stretch across oceans and bounce off icebergs from so far away,
and then there will come a silence.
A silence so loud it rings mercilessly in your ears and you find yourself wishing for those horrible screeches you once detested.
I will fall, flying.
The taste of your lips still on mine and the smell of you in my hair and on my skin.
I will fall, believing.
So maybe i will live and maybe i will not. When it gets that far, we're back to square one.
Correction, you'll be back to square one. Alone.
Perhaps it will be you, holding my limp body in the sand as my fingers brush against your arm, falling.
Perhaps it will be you, crying like i did, except it won't make me respond.
Boats will sail as they always have. Granite floors give way in fear.
A woman will fall, clutching at the stone facade - nails breaking, arms aching, eyes filling with tears of painful realization.
Perhaps you will be there.
Perhaps you will be there, to catch her as she falls. And she will fall into your arms screaming.
still inside, i am dying, though already dead.
Mist
Mist
Here I am, with my heart in my mouth as you walk towards me
Here I am, as my legs disappear and you say my name gently
Here I stand, wanting you to just want me and believe that
we're meant to be
Don't smile at me so,
Cos i'm losing control
My heart's not my own, it's yours
Completely and utterly yours
You know don't you babe,
That when you look at me that way,
I'm not me
You've set me free,
And I am mist
Won't you please, look past what i've done and still love me
Won't you please, not erase what we had and still keep our memories
Darlin' please, couldn't we just pull through this and believe that
we're meant to be
Don't smile at me so,
Cos i'm losing control
My heart's not my own, it's yours
Completely and utterly yours
You know don't you babe,
That when you look at me that way,
I'm not me
You've set me free,
And I am mist
Take my hand,
Lead me out of the darkness and into the light
Take my hand,
Press my fingers to your lips and say we'll be alright
Oh understand,
That it was a mistake, and i feel so ashamed
And it's you that i want
To be with
Don't smile at me so,
Cos i'm losing control
My heart's not my own, it's yours
Completely and utterly yours
You know don't you babe,
That when you look at me that way,
I'm not me
You've set me free,
And I am mist
Popsicle Feeties
Earl Grey Tea and shortbread
Glass of wine and a cigarette on a long filter. More because i like the filter than smoking itself.
Sunrise & sunset skies streaked purple and red.
Watching, with popsicle feeties, tired, yet wide, eyes.
Lean into you, pretending that i don't know.
Pretending that i don't know that you know,
and pretending that i don't know that you know i know.
Breathe in the full moment,
willing it to stop and stay still, for the rest of our lives.
Waiting for Sunset
Falling leaves and glassy eyes,
a sunrise you didn't catch
Night time skies and fireflies,
napkins drenched with regret
Your whispers are hoarse,
each word laced with frost,
reflection a stranger still
But there'll come that time,
when cuts leave a scar
and memories fade and fuzz
Your eyes just might light,
though your lips might be dry.
And your smile-
beautiful again
Falling leaves and glassy eyes,
a sunrise you didn't catch.
Cups of tea and packets of lies,
that grow cold with each sunset.
Oldies Kinda Love
They’re eighty, drinking coffee
smiling toothless smiles
Wrinkled hands, silver bands
unbroken marriage vows
They’ve lasted strong for all these years,
Felt the happy and the sad
Seen rainbow days and sappy plays
and had what we’ll never have
Will we make it baby?
Last as long as they have too?
Will we make it baby,
And find, after all the hurt and pain, that we’ve pulled through?
With lonely afternoons, nights spent staring at the moon
Will we make it baby,
And have an oldies kinda love
Yellowing paper, fading photographs
But look who’s still around
War written in lines, tinkling wind chimes
how do they remember what love’s about?
Tea gone cold, no more sugar please
fingers tightly entwined
In the midst of lost love and tears,
Guess who’s more than fine
Will we make it baby?
Last as long as they have too?
Will we make it baby,
And find, after all the hurt and pain, that we have pulled through?
With lonely afternoons, nights spent staring at the moon
Will we make it baby,
And have an oldies kinda love
--
This is a newer draft of Oldies Kinda Love.
I've personally always hated the original.
TADA
Tell me if this still sucks though((:
neither me, nor you
and in our breathing, synchronized, we fall asleep, entwined
one can tell neither the start, nor end
of each seperate body
my hand is yours, and yours,mine
and even i, cannot tell either apart.
in the darkness we are far from lost,
and strangely comfortable
we fall asleep, dreaming of the other so real,
and waking up to find that it is
i bite my lip to keep the tears from falling,
keep my smile from faltering as i look up at you,
kiss the corner of your lips and tell you that
no, of course nothing's wrong, everything's fine.
disguised by my pretense of drunken unsteadiness,
i fall, willingly, into your open arms
i love you, like there was no difference between
today, yesterday and two months ago.
your touch is different, yet exactly the same.
i begin to count, unconsciously, the times you say i love you
and when you do, i pause too long before saying i love you too
i believe, when you ask me,
i do
i don't doubt, hardly.
i want to wait and i,
i love you too
i just, don't understand.
perhaps one is not supposed to be able to understand everything,
not everything.
but it's so hard to keep my tears and smile.
when i know, full well that
i still want to be with you.
and how,
tell me how, do i react when i tell you that i want to be yours but
you don't believe me?
are my words no more than child's chatter,
no please,don't answer that.
i love you,
can you see that?
can you see me?
i love you, and no one's made me happier
no one's made me feel safer
why does it have to be like this?
if everything else is so,so terribly clear,
why can't we be together?
why do i have to sound like i am begging for a love that refuses to be mine?
-
Strangely enough, i found this on google.
It was something i wrote ages ago. Ages Ages ago, about someone i was in love with.
Of course everything's different now.
It just,
somehow still managed to start them tears. haha
This will be the second time it appears on multiply (and you'll be very confused if you've only ever been readind my multiply site's blog.)
